Self Sabotage

The penetrating silence of a love just lost
A loneliness unprecedented 
No more swift disclosures of devotion,
quick assurances of remembrance scattered throughout my ceaseless days 
To be known by someone to that extent, 
then forgotten so suddenly 
Whiplash to the third degree 

People say that healing isn’t linear,
It’s a minefield with no marked path
a busy street with no crosswalk
while the scenery behind you slowly phases out, 
and you’re pushed to move forward into the treacherous unknown
The vulnerability of acceptance 

I’ve heard that predators can sense weakness,
honing in on most fragile of the pack 
Always seeking that ideal window of opportunity 

So you text me again 
Months down the line, 
after ages of me navigating that bloody minefield 
Imploring me to stop watching my every step
To give in to the impending blast
Self sabotage has never sounded so inviting

Shame

Tiptoeing between weak truths
Lies of omission seem a gentle blow,
a soft caress compared to the harsh jabs I am capable of 
You say ignorance is not bliss 
Who would choose a dim tunnel over the blinding light of reality?
I make that decision for you
Sugar coating my exit as I have our entire journey,
I choose the most tender of goodbyes 
Sparing you from the dark dive into introspection I know you would take 

What is gentle to you is excruciating for me,
I alone know the grim realities of my departure 
Sitting with the knowledge of all that you have done 
Bitterness, anguish, resentment 
The urge to wail out what you did to me, 
how I’ve been sullied by your careless conquest 
Desecrated by the one most trusted 

It’s a different type of guilt isn’t it?
More akin to the shame of breaking a family antique, 
or getting detention for the third time this week 
A transgression I allowed to happen
over 
and over
and over

It wasn’t my fault

Cravings

Latent desires spill over the brim of our red solo cups 
Tonight we are but a satisfying feast, 
An antidote to our nameless craving 
Friendly eyes veer away from our indiscretions,
the way we seem far too comfortable to be mere acquaintances

You treat my body as a greenhouse, 
Stopping to marvel at all the roses
I’m a museum and you’re the boy who scorns the “don’t touch” signs 
I’m the tipsy stumble to the spare room,
you’re the fevered collision of our long lost bodies 
Neither of us are the knocking at the door 

I feel my body melting in your mouth 
A scoop of ice cream dripping down the cone,
licked up in a desperate attempt to savor every last morsel
Your hands treat me with such reverence 
The need to remind myself your embrace is just a lover’s
far more complicated when your lips murmur “baby”,
and this feels like lovemaking incarnate 
I don’t know what just fucking you feels like 
You’re a sprawling ocean,
if I’m not drowning in it I have no desire for it

Photographs

It is said that “a picture is worth a thousand words”
So I finger through snapshots of the past like a starved beast,
hungry for the bliss of days gone by 
Ravenous for answers as to where it all went awry
I feel akin to a grave robber, treading on sacred crypts
A tomb where our unity rests its head
Where our peace went to die 
Images where your smile always reaches your eyes 
Lost relics taunting me from the great beyond
All crinkled cheeks and exuberant grins,
ocean deep dimples I would gladly drown in 
These portraits of our history do speak to me, it’s true
but a thousand words is not enough to explain why

Minefield

Limitless trepidation follows me,
each step forward a hazard to dread 
Being with you is like braving a minefield
I’ve been drafted rather than recruited,
an obligation I can’t seem to refuse
Stepping into each conversation tenderly 
Thoroughly aware of the explosives surrounding my feet 
Red-hot deposits of impassioned fury,
so easily set off 
The bitter reality I’ve grown accustomed to
Like a hardened soldier, I endure

Vitriol

Gloomy waters flood out of you like a dam breaking,
fury roaring in indignation 
Wrath I can't help but balk at
I recoil involuntary at the force of your scorn,
despite my feeble decrees of newfound strength 
My cries for sovereignty drowned out by your boundless rage 
A storm I can never quite get ahead of,
a downpour that always appoints me as it's epicenter 
Memory can't do such vitriol justice 
I'll fail to remember the bitter sting of your words, 
consign this torment to oblivion 
Such suffering can only exist in the moment
The bite of your white hot venom will fade,
leaving me oblivious to it's inevitable return

Validation

I keep making love to validation,
seeking assurance in every hurried stroke 
Every glint in your eyes providing meaning to construe,
every faint display of affection a riddle to solve
Clothing stripped away like my sense of self preservation 
Your grasping hands a steady affirmation,
your inquisitive tongue a testament to my value
Where else is there to find confirmation than the tenderness of your lips?
Than the fleeting moment between apart and within?
Your self-assured entrance brings vindication from hesitancy, 
a brief reprieve from timid caution
Smooth assertion of my wavering worth

Concession

Can you get over the loss of something that never belonged to you? 
How do you dismiss the harsh slam of a door closing 
The cruel burn of choices lost to shallow graves 
Intentions mean little when not acted upon,
even less when acted against 
Blunders and fate often share the same dinner table 
Masquerading as each other 
Who's to know with confidence? 
When these cold truths unveil themselves,
concession is the only lighted path

Temptation

All euphoric tongue and saliva 
An intoxicating whirlwind of temptation 
Hesitancy swept away with haste
These intermittent reunions
Brief and exhilarating reminiscence, 
stirring musings of former trysts
Intimacy once so coveted 
To deny these swift incidents seems so inconceivable 
No deliberate planning at hand,
only uniting by satisfying circumstance 
As if our inordinate chemistry has grown its own gravitational field,
as if we are just planets bound to serve predetermined cycles 
A magnetism I’ve become far too enamored by
Captivated in the most gratifying way 
Indecision lost to lustful inclination

Submission

Coercive forces unyielding to compromise,
aided by the sinister pull of darkness once deserted 
The comfort of a crushing hand around my throat
Submission assures such sweet respite 
How does one ignore the call of the void?
Such tender promises and gentle offers of tranquility
The proposal of quiet numbness
Pleasant nothings, soft emptiness 
There is this concept of extremes, 
one thing cannot exist without it's antithesis 
If all is dull,
none can be agonizing

Voracity

Mindlessly voracious, forfeit to lustful appetites
Fervent gazes of sultry fire,
all consuming 
Drenched frames pressed in harmony
Shifting gears so effortlessly
Engulfed in the movement we share
Drifting on smooth waves,
though we welcome turbulence with dizzying ferocity 
Passion permeates the heavy air between us
Lips pressed in firm assertion 
Affirmation laced with sensuality,
the most arduous affair to withdraw from

Acceptance

The weight of golden reverie 
A burden on decided fate 
The future burns brilliantly, but fantasy still dwells here 
My past realities fighting to coexist 
I want to house all that comes to me 
Without shame painting the walls 
A house I've built of my own accord,
staunchly refusing demolition
Regret would be reasonable, 
but reason cannot guide me in this 
Your quiet allusions to our once shameless soirees
Casual reminders of a lost life 
Choices are a peculiar thing, 
there’s rarely an indisputable answer 
Acceptance is the most admirable adversary

Introspection

This meager taste of freedom 
Lacking in much I hold dear
To be free with you, is it too sweet a symphony?
A journey best taken unaccompanied
or so my expectation warned
Being held accountable, 
a helping hand or a nagging leash?
Idealized versions of future selves, 
I fear I may compromise them to you
Of my own apprehensive volition
My timid codependency, riddled with self sacrifice
Nothing you ever asked for 
Rooted in faults that only belong to me
Have I punished you for them?
Unfairly placing all blame on your unknowing blindness
Your inability to hear my silent bows to others comfort 
I’ve only been known as such
How could I expect to be viewed as more than I ever let on 
With all of this laid bare before you, 
how do you believe with such certainty this is just an obstacle to clear,
together. 
Rather than something I must face alone?
Must I be isolated to delve into true introspection?
I have not yet found the answer in me 
Maybe I must find it in us

Reticence

I flinch at the thought of hearing you shatter,
splintering at the seams we once stitched up together 
The nagging possibility of it being my hand doing the breaking

Wordlessly dodging contention, 
I've become an expert in your absolution 
Our truth lodged in my throat, never spilling

I am told I must be exceedingly forceful, 
that remaining reticent always takes its toll
But how am I to forsake my own cowardice without yielding? 

My inability to profess my affliction is tormenting me, 
hindering our chance of thriving happily 
Something I must overcome if we have any chance of enduring