codependency

Introspection

This meager taste of freedom 
Lacking in much I hold dear
To be free with you, is it too sweet a symphony?
A journey best taken unaccompanied
or so my expectation warned
Being held accountable, 
a helping hand or a nagging leash?
Idealized versions of future selves, 
I fear I may compromise them to you
Of my own apprehensive volition
My timid codependency, riddled with self sacrifice
Nothing you ever asked for 
Rooted in faults that only belong to me
Have I punished you for them?
Unfairly placing all blame on your unknowing blindness
Your inability to hear my silent bows to others comfort 
I’ve only been known as such
How could I expect to be viewed as more than I ever let on 
With all of this laid bare before you, 
how do you believe with such certainty this is just an obstacle to clear,
together. 
Rather than something I must face alone?
Must I be isolated to delve into true introspection?
I have not yet found the answer in me 
Maybe I must find it in us

Personhood

I want to be wholeheartedly known by you
Not merely for the services I employ
I am not just the lubricant in your daily machinery,
only used to ease the hardship of reality 

My existence is not defined only in relation to yours 
I have smoothed my rough edges to fit beside you,
burnished my grit to become further palatable 
I pine for my once raw disarray 

You once said it was too arduous to celebrate me
How do you choose a gift for someone without passion?
Has your memory buried who I was when I first bloomed for you?
She was vivid and whole and untamed 
My devotions have only been quelled by my exhaustive duty to your comfort

How do I relearn to revel in my own gratification 
To not spend all waking moments ensuring your own 
I crave to rebuild my personhood 
To gently peel away from what has consumed me 
I don’t need to sacrifice my being to bolster your vitality any longer 

I need to have faith you can grow without my incessant watering 
Prosperity doesn’t require another’s gentle hand 
My needs have been neglected by my own doing 
Allow me to attend to them, without feeling abandoned to your own

Codependent

Your disposition cycles like the abiding moon
I am the powerless tides you pull
They condemn it as codependency, but who am I to deny this force
My strength does not rival the ocean, and even she submits
Moods intertwined like passionate bodies
Or barbed wire
Your tenacious grasp decides for me 

Feel love, and I will revel it it, blooming under your allowing hand
Feel hate, I will be entombed in it, gagging on the bitter dirt

Do you comprehend the blows you are capable of dealing? 
Do you recognize the elation you have the power to grant? 
I follow closely behind like an adoring child 
Yearning for your satisfaction
Vying with your discontent 
A merciless journey I am unable to withdraw from 
An endless feud that refuses to cease