free verse

Writhing Thirst

Adrift in the valley of your longing,
my skin boils at the mere suggestion of our collision 
To do without seems a bitter resolution 
Writhing thirst abounds here 
Kept afloat by shameless circumstance,
and the illusion of impunity 
All sensation of transgression wilts in the sultry company of your sun
but the moon carries subdued introspection 
I all but scorn her muted whispers of wisdom,
in favor of fervent desire and faint affection 
We are hushed by necessity,
obligation burdening our every indiscretion
Nevertheless, we concede to our shared hunger
Time and again

Complacent

Tension rests it's head on our pillows 
Squeezing in past careless complacency,
finding a home in my pained longing for more 
This new roommate seems far too comfortable in our company
A threesome I never consented to
It's not an "elephant in the room"
It's the way I forget to make your coffee,
or how my skin is free of planted lips
How we both pretend not to notice  
Is this what together means? 
Or are we simply sat next to each other 
The fights don't feel worth starting, 
I'm already stuffed with empty promises
Threatening to overflow from every growing crack in this guise 
But boy do you sound sweet when you make them

Ambiguous Intent

Ambiguity colors these circumstances
Left uncertain of where this arrangement stands 
Hushed with words but deafening in action
Harshly painted with your irresolution 
Your pretense is maintained so skillfully to others,
I'm nearly mislead with the rest 
Awaiting the next uninhibited relinquishment
Bereft of the privilege of assumption 
Unspoken intentions plague me tirelessly
The cool comfort of confidence is all but absent here,
but the gamble is far too gripping
I find myself refusing to succumb to skepticism 
Left to suffer through these stretches of harrowing reservation
Still waiting, I remain

Personhood

I want to be wholeheartedly known by you
Not merely for the services I employ
I am not just the lubricant in your daily machinery,
only used to ease the hardship of reality 

My existence is not defined only in relation to yours 
I have smoothed my rough edges to fit beside you,
burnished my grit to become further palatable 
I pine for my once raw disarray 

You once said it was too arduous to celebrate me
How do you choose a gift for someone without passion?
Has your memory buried who I was when I first bloomed for you?
She was vivid and whole and untamed 
My devotions have only been quelled by my exhaustive duty to your comfort

How do I relearn to revel in my own gratification 
To not spend all waking moments ensuring your own 
I crave to rebuild my personhood 
To gently peel away from what has consumed me 
I don’t need to sacrifice my being to bolster your vitality any longer 

I need to have faith you can grow without my incessant watering 
Prosperity doesn’t require another’s gentle hand 
My needs have been neglected by my own doing 
Allow me to attend to them, without feeling abandoned to your own

History

Caught in this cycle of sentiment 
Unsure which feelings matter in the present,
which ones are just a fixture of the past
Should the passion of days gone by make up for the cold disregard of today? 
Affection is now inconsistent routine 
No longer a fervent expression of meaning 
Does history make up for missing affinity? 
I don't want to believe this is our inevitable nature
Is this just how it goes? Am I right to expect more? 
Lonesome nights spent grappling with these thoughts 
Two contrasting beliefs pulling me apart at the seams 
Will I ever know undoubtedly? 
I am not one to be risky in love  
Clarity feels like an insurmountable hope,
but I struggle to move forward without it

Codependent

Your disposition cycles like the abiding moon
I am the powerless tides you pull
They condemn it as codependency, but who am I to deny this force
My strength does not rival the ocean, and even she submits
Moods intertwined like passionate bodies
Or barbed wire
Your tenacious grasp decides for me 

Feel love, and I will revel it it, blooming under your allowing hand
Feel hate, I will be entombed in it, gagging on the bitter dirt

Do you comprehend the blows you are capable of dealing? 
Do you recognize the elation you have the power to grant? 
I follow closely behind like an adoring child 
Yearning for your satisfaction
Vying with your discontent 
A merciless journey I am unable to withdraw from 
An endless feud that refuses to cease

Guilt

The heat that it comes bearing,
swelling inside to unbearable lengths
Pushing its tendrils throughout my unwilling frame
Insufferable and ever-present,
lingering long past it’s welcome 

It comes in waves, lead by an errant memory, or the mere thought of action
Violent surges of introspective punishment, 
unyielding to reason or promise
Guilt courses through my veins thicker than blood ever has
Deserved or not, it’s unrelenting 
A homegrown prison that cages me faithfully, until the end

Quiet

Quiet mornings like these
My sickly sweet coffee, your clumsy bathroom rustlings
These intermittent periods of transition 
Quite often more pleasant than the destination 
I wish we could remain here in time, but would it still be so sweet?

Do we enjoy the peace in this moment, or just the break in between stops?
I believe I could live in this forever 
Remain just as enamored
But we are bred to believe joy does not come without suffering
So I will hurry through the dull day
Hurry to get back to you 
Looking forward to the next quiet transition 
And pray for more as the years trudge on