relationships

Self Sabotage

The penetrating silence of a love just lost
A loneliness unprecedented 
No more swift disclosures of devotion,
quick assurances of remembrance scattered throughout my ceaseless days 
To be known by someone to that extent, 
then forgotten so suddenly 
Whiplash to the third degree 

People say that healing isn’t linear,
It’s a minefield with no marked path
a busy street with no crosswalk
while the scenery behind you slowly phases out, 
and you’re pushed to move forward into the treacherous unknown
The vulnerability of acceptance 

I’ve heard that predators can sense weakness,
honing in on most fragile of the pack 
Always seeking that ideal window of opportunity 

So you text me again 
Months down the line, 
after ages of me navigating that bloody minefield 
Imploring me to stop watching my every step
To give in to the impending blast
Self sabotage has never sounded so inviting

Shame

Tiptoeing between weak truths
Lies of omission seem a gentle blow,
a soft caress compared to the harsh jabs I am capable of 
You say ignorance is not bliss 
Who would choose a dim tunnel over the blinding light of reality?
I make that decision for you
Sugar coating my exit as I have our entire journey,
I choose the most tender of goodbyes 
Sparing you from the dark dive into introspection I know you would take 

What is gentle to you is excruciating for me,
I alone know the grim realities of my departure 
Sitting with the knowledge of all that you have done 
Bitterness, anguish, resentment 
The urge to wail out what you did to me, 
how I’ve been sullied by your careless conquest 
Desecrated by the one most trusted 

It’s a different type of guilt isn’t it?
More akin to the shame of breaking a family antique, 
or getting detention for the third time this week 
A transgression I allowed to happen
over 
and over
and over

It wasn’t my fault

Cravings

Latent desires spill over the brim of our red solo cups 
Tonight we are but a satisfying feast, 
An antidote to our nameless craving 
Friendly eyes veer away from our indiscretions,
the way we seem far too comfortable to be mere acquaintances

You treat my body as a greenhouse, 
Stopping to marvel at all the roses
I’m a museum and you’re the boy who scorns the “don’t touch” signs 
I’m the tipsy stumble to the spare room,
you’re the fevered collision of our long lost bodies 
Neither of us are the knocking at the door 

I feel my body melting in your mouth 
A scoop of ice cream dripping down the cone,
licked up in a desperate attempt to savor every last morsel
Your hands treat me with such reverence 
The need to remind myself your embrace is just a lover’s
far more complicated when your lips murmur “baby”,
and this feels like lovemaking incarnate 
I don’t know what just fucking you feels like 
You’re a sprawling ocean,
if I’m not drowning in it I have no desire for it

Introspection

This meager taste of freedom 
Lacking in much I hold dear
To be free with you, is it too sweet a symphony?
A journey best taken unaccompanied
or so my expectation warned
Being held accountable, 
a helping hand or a nagging leash?
Idealized versions of future selves, 
I fear I may compromise them to you
Of my own apprehensive volition
My timid codependency, riddled with self sacrifice
Nothing you ever asked for 
Rooted in faults that only belong to me
Have I punished you for them?
Unfairly placing all blame on your unknowing blindness
Your inability to hear my silent bows to others comfort 
I’ve only been known as such
How could I expect to be viewed as more than I ever let on 
With all of this laid bare before you, 
how do you believe with such certainty this is just an obstacle to clear,
together. 
Rather than something I must face alone?
Must I be isolated to delve into true introspection?
I have not yet found the answer in me 
Maybe I must find it in us

Reticence

I flinch at the thought of hearing you shatter,
splintering at the seams we once stitched up together 
The nagging possibility of it being my hand doing the breaking

Wordlessly dodging contention, 
I've become an expert in your absolution 
Our truth lodged in my throat, never spilling

I am told I must be exceedingly forceful, 
that remaining reticent always takes its toll
But how am I to forsake my own cowardice without yielding? 

My inability to profess my affliction is tormenting me, 
hindering our chance of thriving happily 
Something I must overcome if we have any chance of enduring

Complacent

Tension rests it's head on our pillows 
Squeezing in past careless complacency,
finding a home in my pained longing for more 
This new roommate seems far too comfortable in our company
A threesome I never consented to
It's not an "elephant in the room"
It's the way I forget to make your coffee,
or how my skin is free of planted lips
How we both pretend not to notice  
Is this what together means? 
Or are we simply sat next to each other 
The fights don't feel worth starting, 
I'm already stuffed with empty promises
Threatening to overflow from every growing crack in this guise 
But boy do you sound sweet when you make them

Personhood

I want to be wholeheartedly known by you
Not merely for the services I employ
I am not just the lubricant in your daily machinery,
only used to ease the hardship of reality 

My existence is not defined only in relation to yours 
I have smoothed my rough edges to fit beside you,
burnished my grit to become further palatable 
I pine for my once raw disarray 

You once said it was too arduous to celebrate me
How do you choose a gift for someone without passion?
Has your memory buried who I was when I first bloomed for you?
She was vivid and whole and untamed 
My devotions have only been quelled by my exhaustive duty to your comfort

How do I relearn to revel in my own gratification 
To not spend all waking moments ensuring your own 
I crave to rebuild my personhood 
To gently peel away from what has consumed me 
I don’t need to sacrifice my being to bolster your vitality any longer 

I need to have faith you can grow without my incessant watering 
Prosperity doesn’t require another’s gentle hand 
My needs have been neglected by my own doing 
Allow me to attend to them, without feeling abandoned to your own

History

Caught in this cycle of sentiment 
Unsure which feelings matter in the present,
which ones are just a fixture of the past
Should the passion of days gone by make up for the cold disregard of today? 
Affection is now inconsistent routine 
No longer a fervent expression of meaning 
Does history make up for missing affinity? 
I don't want to believe this is our inevitable nature
Is this just how it goes? Am I right to expect more? 
Lonesome nights spent grappling with these thoughts 
Two contrasting beliefs pulling me apart at the seams 
Will I ever know undoubtedly? 
I am not one to be risky in love  
Clarity feels like an insurmountable hope,
but I struggle to move forward without it

Codependent

Your disposition cycles like the abiding moon
I am the powerless tides you pull
They condemn it as codependency, but who am I to deny this force
My strength does not rival the ocean, and even she submits
Moods intertwined like passionate bodies
Or barbed wire
Your tenacious grasp decides for me 

Feel love, and I will revel it it, blooming under your allowing hand
Feel hate, I will be entombed in it, gagging on the bitter dirt

Do you comprehend the blows you are capable of dealing? 
Do you recognize the elation you have the power to grant? 
I follow closely behind like an adoring child 
Yearning for your satisfaction
Vying with your discontent 
A merciless journey I am unable to withdraw from 
An endless feud that refuses to cease

Saturation

Saturation assuredly fades with time 
As the sun infallibly concedes to the moon
We can't expect to break these rules
Set in stone
Although some days it sure feels like we might 

My cheeks no longer boil 
The butterflies I house are now comfortable in your company
My soul has grown accustomed to your light 
We're set in stone
The fire might not be as bright
But it's still burning strong

Saturation assuredly fades with time 
We can't remain blazing suns in each others sky forever
I can adore the soft stars equally anyhow
And I'm thinking pastel is just as dazzling as the neon we once were
Let us fade together