writing

Shame

Tiptoeing between weak truths
Lies of omission seem a gentle blow,
a soft caress compared to the harsh jabs I am capable of 
You say ignorance is not bliss 
Who would choose a dim tunnel over the blinding light of reality?
I make that decision for you
Sugar coating my exit as I have our entire journey,
I choose the most tender of goodbyes 
Sparing you from the dark dive into introspection I know you would take 

What is gentle to you is excruciating for me,
I alone know the grim realities of my departure 
Sitting with the knowledge of all that you have done 
Bitterness, anguish, resentment 
The urge to wail out what you did to me, 
how I’ve been sullied by your careless conquest 
Desecrated by the one most trusted 

It’s a different type of guilt isn’t it?
More akin to the shame of breaking a family antique, 
or getting detention for the third time this week 
A transgression I allowed to happen
over 
and over
and over

It wasn’t my fault

Cravings

Latent desires spill over the brim of our red solo cups 
Tonight we are but a satisfying feast, 
An antidote to our nameless craving 
Friendly eyes veer away from our indiscretions,
the way we seem far too comfortable to be mere acquaintances

You treat my body as a greenhouse, 
Stopping to marvel at all the roses
I’m a museum and you’re the boy who scorns the “don’t touch” signs 
I’m the tipsy stumble to the spare room,
you’re the fevered collision of our long lost bodies 
Neither of us are the knocking at the door 

I feel my body melting in your mouth 
A scoop of ice cream dripping down the cone,
licked up in a desperate attempt to savor every last morsel
Your hands treat me with such reverence 
The need to remind myself your embrace is just a lover’s
far more complicated when your lips murmur “baby”,
and this feels like lovemaking incarnate 
I don’t know what just fucking you feels like 
You’re a sprawling ocean,
if I’m not drowning in it I have no desire for it

Photographs

It is said that “a picture is worth a thousand words”
So I finger through snapshots of the past like a starved beast,
hungry for the bliss of days gone by 
Ravenous for answers as to where it all went awry
I feel akin to a grave robber, treading on sacred crypts
A tomb where our unity rests its head
Where our peace went to die 
Images where your smile always reaches your eyes 
Lost relics taunting me from the great beyond
All crinkled cheeks and exuberant grins,
ocean deep dimples I would gladly drown in 
These portraits of our history do speak to me, it’s true
but a thousand words is not enough to explain why

Minefield

Limitless trepidation follows me,
each step forward a hazard to dread 
Being with you is like braving a minefield
I’ve been drafted rather than recruited,
an obligation I can’t seem to refuse
Stepping into each conversation tenderly 
Thoroughly aware of the explosives surrounding my feet 
Red-hot deposits of impassioned fury,
so easily set off 
The bitter reality I’ve grown accustomed to
Like a hardened soldier, I endure

Vitriol

Gloomy waters flood out of you like a dam breaking,
fury roaring in indignation 
Wrath I can't help but balk at
I recoil involuntary at the force of your scorn,
despite my feeble decrees of newfound strength 
My cries for sovereignty drowned out by your boundless rage 
A storm I can never quite get ahead of,
a downpour that always appoints me as it's epicenter 
Memory can't do such vitriol justice 
I'll fail to remember the bitter sting of your words, 
consign this torment to oblivion 
Such suffering can only exist in the moment
The bite of your white hot venom will fade,
leaving me oblivious to it's inevitable return

Validation

I keep making love to validation,
seeking assurance in every hurried stroke 
Every glint in your eyes providing meaning to construe,
every faint display of affection a riddle to solve
Clothing stripped away like my sense of self preservation 
Your grasping hands a steady affirmation,
your inquisitive tongue a testament to my value
Where else is there to find confirmation than the tenderness of your lips?
Than the fleeting moment between apart and within?
Your self-assured entrance brings vindication from hesitancy, 
a brief reprieve from timid caution
Smooth assertion of my wavering worth

Concession

Can you get over the loss of something that never belonged to you? 
How do you dismiss the harsh slam of a door closing 
The cruel burn of choices lost to shallow graves 
Intentions mean little when not acted upon,
even less when acted against 
Blunders and fate often share the same dinner table 
Masquerading as each other 
Who's to know with confidence? 
When these cold truths unveil themselves,
concession is the only lighted path

Temptation

All euphoric tongue and saliva 
An intoxicating whirlwind of temptation 
Hesitancy swept away with haste
These intermittent reunions
Brief and exhilarating reminiscence, 
stirring musings of former trysts
Intimacy once so coveted 
To deny these swift incidents seems so inconceivable 
No deliberate planning at hand,
only uniting by satisfying circumstance 
As if our inordinate chemistry has grown its own gravitational field,
as if we are just planets bound to serve predetermined cycles 
A magnetism I’ve become far too enamored by
Captivated in the most gratifying way 
Indecision lost to lustful inclination

Submission

Coercive forces unyielding to compromise,
aided by the sinister pull of darkness once deserted 
The comfort of a crushing hand around my throat
Submission assures such sweet respite 
How does one ignore the call of the void?
Such tender promises and gentle offers of tranquility
The proposal of quiet numbness
Pleasant nothings, soft emptiness 
There is this concept of extremes, 
one thing cannot exist without it's antithesis 
If all is dull,
none can be agonizing

Reticence

I flinch at the thought of hearing you shatter,
splintering at the seams we once stitched up together 
The nagging possibility of it being my hand doing the breaking

Wordlessly dodging contention, 
I've become an expert in your absolution 
Our truth lodged in my throat, never spilling

I am told I must be exceedingly forceful, 
that remaining reticent always takes its toll
But how am I to forsake my own cowardice without yielding? 

My inability to profess my affliction is tormenting me, 
hindering our chance of thriving happily 
Something I must overcome if we have any chance of enduring

Writhing Thirst

Adrift in the valley of your longing,
my skin boils at the mere suggestion of our collision 
To do without seems a bitter resolution 
Writhing thirst abounds here 
Kept afloat by shameless circumstance,
and the illusion of impunity 
All sensation of transgression wilts in the sultry company of your sun
but the moon carries subdued introspection 
I all but scorn her muted whispers of wisdom,
in favor of fervent desire and faint affection 
We are hushed by necessity,
obligation burdening our every indiscretion
Nevertheless, we concede to our shared hunger
Time and again

Complacent

Tension rests it's head on our pillows 
Squeezing in past careless complacency,
finding a home in my pained longing for more 
This new roommate seems far too comfortable in our company
A threesome I never consented to
It's not an "elephant in the room"
It's the way I forget to make your coffee,
or how my skin is free of planted lips
How we both pretend not to notice  
Is this what together means? 
Or are we simply sat next to each other 
The fights don't feel worth starting, 
I'm already stuffed with empty promises
Threatening to overflow from every growing crack in this guise 
But boy do you sound sweet when you make them

Ambiguous Intent

Ambiguity colors these circumstances
Left uncertain of where this arrangement stands 
Hushed with words but deafening in action
Harshly painted with your irresolution 
Your pretense is maintained so skillfully to others,
I'm nearly mislead with the rest 
Awaiting the next uninhibited relinquishment
Bereft of the privilege of assumption 
Unspoken intentions plague me tirelessly
The cool comfort of confidence is all but absent here,
but the gamble is far too gripping
I find myself refusing to succumb to skepticism 
Left to suffer through these stretches of harrowing reservation
Still waiting, I remain

Personhood

I want to be wholeheartedly known by you
Not merely for the services I employ
I am not just the lubricant in your daily machinery,
only used to ease the hardship of reality 

My existence is not defined only in relation to yours 
I have smoothed my rough edges to fit beside you,
burnished my grit to become further palatable 
I pine for my once raw disarray 

You once said it was too arduous to celebrate me
How do you choose a gift for someone without passion?
Has your memory buried who I was when I first bloomed for you?
She was vivid and whole and untamed 
My devotions have only been quelled by my exhaustive duty to your comfort

How do I relearn to revel in my own gratification 
To not spend all waking moments ensuring your own 
I crave to rebuild my personhood 
To gently peel away from what has consumed me 
I don’t need to sacrifice my being to bolster your vitality any longer 

I need to have faith you can grow without my incessant watering 
Prosperity doesn’t require another’s gentle hand 
My needs have been neglected by my own doing 
Allow me to attend to them, without feeling abandoned to your own

History

Caught in this cycle of sentiment 
Unsure which feelings matter in the present,
which ones are just a fixture of the past
Should the passion of days gone by make up for the cold disregard of today? 
Affection is now inconsistent routine 
No longer a fervent expression of meaning 
Does history make up for missing affinity? 
I don't want to believe this is our inevitable nature
Is this just how it goes? Am I right to expect more? 
Lonesome nights spent grappling with these thoughts 
Two contrasting beliefs pulling me apart at the seams 
Will I ever know undoubtedly? 
I am not one to be risky in love  
Clarity feels like an insurmountable hope,
but I struggle to move forward without it